I’m Not Crying You Are…

I am scared of vulnerability. I hate it.

I hate it to the point that I would rather fall off the roof before telling you that I am afraid of the height. Which.. I have done.

In some instances this fear is good. It causes me to still travel to foreign places when Im reluctant to ask if you can come. It allows me to fully experience life, movies and events alone and make friends from strangers instead of having to say.. I have a need for your presence.

I am so terrified of vulnerability that I will plan activities that I’d like to do with my best friend but never tell her only to be disappointed when she does it with someone else cause I never spoke up cause I wasn’t sure that she’d want to do it.

Its trash. I am very self aware of it.

This week has placed me in a position where I only had ONE OPTION and that was to be vulnerable.

Major Surgery.

See I watched the YouTube videos. I read the after affects that people had. I understood how hard it would be and instead of asking for help… I decided that I can handle it on my own. I was fully prepared to ‘thug it out’ alone.

I had it all planned out. I would Uber to the hospital (whew the distance) go ahead and have the surgery and then bum a ride home cause the hospital staff said they weren’t going to allow me to ride home with a stranger, regardless of the driver rating.

This immediately placed me in a serious situation. I needed to admit that I had a need. My mama ain’t here and I fear imposing needs upon others and I was vacillating between being rebellious or cancelling the whole thing.

The inability to be vulnerable will leave you suffering.. secretly.

Without the writing of this blog this is where you’d find me. Sitting in the dark, bawling miserably and trying to write to get the feelings off my chest because vulnerability is hurting me more than this surgery.

Please understand, at this moment I have no needs, a friend agreed to take me home after surgery however, without a word to me, also;

  • Put me in a fancy hotel the night before so I could be near them to make their delivery of me TO the hospital easy.
  • Stayed with me throughout the surgery
  • Acted as my medical power of attorney (to prevent organ harvesting)
  • Assisted with the post surgery healing
  • Coordinated and confirmed post operation needs with the hospital staff
  • Kept my mother and closest friends aware of what was happening
  • Took pictures in case I wanted to write to you all about it
  • Took me home and stayed until someone arrived so that he could inform them of my impending needs.

Once “home” I was greeted wonderfully and have been catered to my every need. Friends have stopped by for slumber parties to monitor my progress. I got flowers in the mail all the way from New Jersey. I got personal water deliveries from people who absolutely love me cause.. I really couldn’t keep drinking that Nestle. Work sent a pillow and a card signed with love from Gary (that’s my CEO)

All which makes it worse you see because all these people are taking care of me…. but I want to take care of me. Allowing myself to continue to be helped so much is a continuous cycle of.. vulnerability. And it’s scary. I understand that as someone who has been ‘dropped’ that I have learned to trust me and only me.

Rushing the healing process will only hurt me and this isn’t a period which I am down, but a period where I am loving myself by allowing my self to heal and be free of diabetes. It took Larry to say it to make me believe.

I say all of this just asking you to pray for me.

As I sit.. and rest.. and heal.. and allow someone else to take the lead as I revel in the vulnerable part of.. me.

Even while it’s scary.

I probably need to add these dropped symptoms to my discussion list for the next session of therapy.

Always with love,

Starring Courtney

4 Replies to “I’m Not Crying You Are…”

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