My family thinks I’m gay.
Probably a little of both.
Because they haven’t seen me in a relationship with a man since Kourtney 9 years ago and even then, I didn’t reveal much so sneaky makes sense but why can’t I just be….. undateable!!?!
I will be thirty six in thirty days. It looks better in letters right! And I honestly have no right to complain. I had no desire to leave the single life behind me until I was thirty one so… this wait hasn’t been long!! (I keep that on repeat to keep me sane)
So why are you single Courtney!?
First of all ¡RUDE! Second of all Stop asking me this! I don’t know!! I tried a Facebook quiz and it said “Youre too shy! Youve had a crush on the same person forever, but youve been friend-zoned because youre too scared to make a move!” WHO AM I SHY AROUND FB?!
What’s a non thirsty way to say that I’d love to be married. To support and encourage an amazing man. To bear his children and raise excellent adults (while broadcasting every moment to the world) but really… nobody likes me, and the ones who do…
they really don’t.
I tried the real life introductions…. stops to think which of them reads this blog before I continue 👀
Real life #1. Is boooooring!! I’m legit talking to him as I write this blog. He has no idea that I’m not listening and that I HATE phone calls that have no pre arranged content and to add to it he is complaining about something ¡Ew!
Real life #2 made a joke about sleeping on my elbows to keep my hair from getting messed up. This ‘joke’ is evidence that he has not had contact with a black woman since 1999 cause seriously… and his voice low key reminds me of that Sotomayor jerk on YouTube so every word offends me regardless..
Real life#3 is handsome, he is funny, he is my fav type of man… an engineer– I mean God fearing! And he loves his mama. He legit looks me in the eyes and says “Courtney, I could take you home to my mama TODAY. You’re gorgeous, loving and everything a man needs in a wife (here it is guys) but… (stupid but!!) I worked really hard to be as wealthy as I am and I don’t wanna give up this free life so soon. These hoes are everywhere… could you wait for Me? Is that too much to ask?
Real life #4 sold dope
Real life #5 is married.. with kids
So at the urging of some cohearts I downloaded an app called Bumble. Bumble has a swipe technique. You See a few pics, get a brief description and decide.. Left for no. Right for heyyyy!!
After a few billion to the left I finally swiped right and it was a match! Next I had to start a clever conversation…
What?! I’m new to being the aggressor!
He responds with a few compliments. He looked at all the pics and read the profile and quickly let’s me know that he wants to manhandle me appropriately..
Huh?! What? That’s what works in these streets? Apparently so cause I asked and he said yes… block and delete.
Most of the other matches were pretty polite but somehow all the messages were lost after I revealed that I didnt have sex.. must be a system error (especially with the church ministers on there… anywhooooo)
I moved on to Soul Swipe cause.. well I’m obviously getting desperate and looking at cat videos for my future hoarding as an old spinster and we will see how this works out!
I swear my life a movie…