I wish you could see the look of fear on my face as I hold my phone wishing the pressure I placed on myself could be reversed. Trouble is I’m competitive, to the point that I won’t even let me… beat me..
Seriously, here I am frightfully imagining what it’s like to let you into the inner working of my mind for 21 days of blog/vlogging and the decision was made on my own. Knowing that I wouldn’t back down.. I really want to punch me.
My local church, you may have heard of it, The Potters House of FTW is fasting. Financially and via food. One thing about me is that food is never a challenge. I can not eat, I can restrict my diet, food is not something that starves this body of mine. It’s my connection to you.
You who like my pictures on Instagram and share them in your travel groups.
You that assure me everyday how wonderful my life is.
You that have no idea who I am outside of my posts, you keep me moving..
I is kind, I is smart and I is important. You tell that to me,
But what happens when the love from you is not enough for me to want to continue being the me you see. Or when I’m not sure if that’s even the me I want to be…
Am I living for you or for me?
I literally base the decisions in my life against their level of “how will this bless somebody? ” Even as I type I rethink every sentence wondering if there is something that one of you need from me. It’s a spiritually hindering form of people pleasing that life has somehow squeezed out of me. Surely this process is hurting who I am supposed to be so I’m taking this time to sort of what I really believe. I am taking the time to do something that I really want to do but the fear of your approval stops me.
That means that I am disconnected from you. Your comments, love and suggestions I will not see. Your advice, cliche responses and subtle digs (you know who you are) won’t touch me till February as I dig past the crap I’m trying to figure out and go back to being the light I found me to be.
Maybe I’ll share a story. Maybe I’ll sing a tune. Surely a few words of inspiration for ME that could surely roll over to you. I don’t know… I don’t have to know I just have to press publish on this by midnight…